how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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