you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
