He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
