What a fucking waste of an outfit
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
