I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The struggles of a small town man whore
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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