I faked an abortion last night.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
