I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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