a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
