I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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