Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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