im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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