I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
