please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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