My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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