i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
