When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
pray to the hookup gods
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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