Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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