you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
