Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
