Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
