i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
