i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
