I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
