I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
