My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My feet surprised me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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