Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
