never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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