Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
