It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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