Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
