highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
