My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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