walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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