he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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