I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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