If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
