Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
