There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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