my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
