All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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