Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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