Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
