Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
