2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
