My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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