made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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