he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
