Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
