this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
