I need help removing her.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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